Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
How external is "for external use only"?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
