Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
