Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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