Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
