she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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