dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
