I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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