At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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