what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
