My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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