you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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