What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize