just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
