Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
