hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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