Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
