If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
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