Betty ford says i'm here all night
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
