Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize