I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
