My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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