How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
