No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
