Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
