the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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