A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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