I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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