The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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