I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize