3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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