There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
