My liver just broke up with me...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
