mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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