You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
