Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize