Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
