In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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