Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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