Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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