She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
