I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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