i permit you to call me
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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