I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
