Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
