I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
