when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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