I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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