i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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