im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
