I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Michael Bay diarrhea
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
