You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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