Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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