I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
