I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
