I'm so fucking centered right now
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Dignity is for republicans.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
