I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
