GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
