There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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