My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
