you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
