My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
